Ugh. ok. I’ve really got to get better with writing here. (This has been copied from my other Blog)
I’m on week 2 of a leave of absence for mental health. (Apparently its called an LOA, but I just heard that this week.) It’s my first one, and honestly it’s super overwhelming. I’ve only ever taken off for maternity leave and rehab (two years ago). So I guess it’s not even my first one or even my first for mental health (haha!). I guess I consider it the first one, because at my last job I didn’t have to take an LOA to leave for rehab. They were a European company, so their insurance and leave stuff is all different. They let me have off for 6 weeks fully paid. I was institutionalized for 4 of those weeks, so it didn’t feel like much of a break.
I’m getting all this STD (short term disability) paperwork filled out, and phone calls and … all that other stuff.. and its a lot. I get that they need to make sure I’m not trying to scam the system, but its friggin overwhelming trying to do all the disability stuff when you’re already overwhelmed.
I’ve been trying to balance and manage my time. I get bored really easily just sitting around, but sometimes when I’m active, I run myself into the ground, so I have to make sure I don’t do that too.
(Ok, this isn’t even a joke. But I just had to pause for 5 minutes to get a bird out of my room. )
Back to what I was saying. I’ve been on social media a lot. Instagram specifically, but all of it is just SO toxic. I can filter out as much as I can, but I’ve had an Instagram for 10 years. It was curated for me. The old me at least.
I had dinner with my dad and his wife a few weeks ago and, having only known me for 15 years, she said it was like talking to a new person. And I am a new person.
It’s hard though, being new. But I’ve done that all my life.
Over the course of my 38 years trauma has changed who I am as a person, and now, I feel like Im back to the original me. The little girl I used to be is back, but it’s been a shock for everyone. I think even for some of my family.
On social media this last month I have been super outspoken about mental health and neuro-diversities. It was, after all ,Mental Health Awareness month, so it gave me an excuse to be outspoken about it, and even more so than I was before.
I’m a loud person. I always have been and I always will be. It’s who I am. But my whole life Ive been told to be more quiet. And Im tired of being quiet, Im tired of being told how to act, or how to do anything for that matter. (As I was typing that I thought, “This sounds like a personal problem, and I’ll look into it more”, lol) But seriously, I’ve felt like the Little Mermaid who lost her voice, and its hurtful to feel like you can’t be yourself. Especially when the people who are telling you to be quiet, also tell you to be yourself… seems conflicting no?
So… I’ve been bored, and I started cutting up some videos the other day. My sister comments on one and says she loves it, so I’m thinking, “Oh, Ive got a TON of pictures from my last visit to see them, so I’ll put together a video for them.” I tell her and she’s excited about it.
I spent at LEAST 5 hours editing this video. I sent drafts to my sister and asked her what she thought. She didn’t really give me anything. Said it was cute. Whatever. It’s honestly my best “Reel” yet. So this morning I posted it, with a caption, and because it was my video and my page, I should be able to do that right? Her husband liked my video, but she still hasn’t.
You may be thinking, it’s just social media, she’s got other things going on. And that would 100% be true. She’s got kids and a household to run, but also, she’s looked at my story, and all my posts since, and no comment, on a video that I told her I was SO excited about and spent SO much time on. I sent the video to her and her husband and said please share my video. (Because why not get a few likes for all the work I put into the video.) And she’s my SISTER. That fucking hurts. Ok, rant over.
But thats all to say, I feel like I cant get support I need from some people in my family. It’s why Im writing. I’ve been anxious all day. Cried over stupid stuff.
So I’m starting fresh. I changed my name on this page. I don’t know if anyone reads these – I honestly don’t know how blogs or WordPress works. I saw 3 likes on my two WHOLE entries – and its entirely possible I accidentally liked them trying to figure this system out. But, if you’re reading, thats why the name is now different.
Is it weird that I feel more like myself having a different name? I’ve deconstructed so many things in my healing, that I really am an entirely new person, but still the same girl that was intended for this life.
Some people are going to see the change and not get it, or believe it, and that’s ok, they knew a different me, but my circle is definitely changing. I think it’s hard and confusing for some people who knew the past me for so long. It’s been hard and confusing for me too. But finally being ok with who I am, whether people like it or not, is an incredibly freeing feeling, and I don’t want to lose it.
So let me introduce myself. Amania Morgan. Or you can call me Nia. I kind of like the sound of that. Writing as someone else will help me be completely transparent about whats really going on with me, without worrying about what people with think or say about me.
I’m starting a new Instagram page too and I’m only following people that are good for my mental health, and that I know will support me. What’s the point in keeping people around if they cant support you the way you need? I’m not saying I’m cutting my sister off. I love her, and she’s done nothing to deserve that, but it does mean I have to put up a wall. a boundary. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries right? We can love and care for people but not let them hurt us.
But I’m sad that I have to put up walls around family, it makes spending time with them feel like work. and I don’t think it should be like that. I feel like I have to watch what I say or what I do, because if I have an opinion that they don’t agree with I’m automatically wrong. I’ve spent my whole life being “appropriate” and not offending anyone. But if you’re friends with everyone, you’re friends with no one. Thats the phrase right? Or something about not having a spine? (haha.) Thats probably WAY off, but you get the point. If you spend all your time trying to make everyone else happy, you’re not going to make yourself happy. I’m done being miserable because I don’t do something the way someone wants me to, or they way they would do it. If they cant understand a different perspective, that their close-mindedness.
Ok, I just had a conversation with Mom that I want to write down, but its a different subject so I need to wrap this up.
This is the new me, and I’m excited about her. I just need to keep reminding myself that there will be people who wont like me, and thats ok, but I don’t need to surround myself with them or compromise who I am for them.
NIA❤︎✌︎
A Beautiful Disaster 