Note: I have not read or edited this before posting, nor will I edit it after. And I wont read it before I post, for fear of my perfectionism taking over – editing spelling, grammar and format and tarnishing it’s inauthenticity. (As Im typing this, I am practicing huge restraint to not look down and scan it.) I wrote this in my notes at 3 am because my brain was spinning and I felt I wouldn’t be able to until I wrote my thoughts down. This is a completely real thought process, and I fell asleep shortly after. 😌
Ok. Zeus woke me up. I opened my eyes with his body at my head meowing. I got up and got him food and went to the bathroom quick so I could fall back asleep. But I’m manic. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. My mind is racing. I keep praying to God for calmness and he gives it to me. Not in my head, cause that’s obviously awake. But in my heart. I can feel where I should have anxiety. About an unknown future. Am I going to life a full life. What is a full life? It’s different for everyone. Will my life end soon, or when I’m old. Will my daughter die before me? I don’t want her to. Obviously. But this calmness I feel when I reach out to God makes me feel like I can handle anything. Part of my brain tells me that’s my mania and inflated ego. The other part tells me, yes, you are manic, but it doesn’t mean these thoughts aren’t accurate. How do you feel? Check in with your body. Chest is a bit tight. I have lots of energy. I could probably wake up now even though I’ve only been asleep two hours. But my body needs rest. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning and I prayed. I asked for peace. I told God I would let him control my life. It gives me so much anxiety, but I know now I haven’t done any of this on my own. Anytime I try to do things for my OWN reasoning, my OWN ego, I get anxious and scared. When I let go and give it to God. I feel better. I wanted to sleep but he told me to write. Hopefully now I can sleep.
My sheets smell really good. Remember in the morning to ask mom what detergent this is. I wanna keep using this combo. It makes me happy.
His plan, not mine. His plan, not mine. If I give him the power and him the recognition of my healing, he will take care of the rest. Remind yourself. His plan, not mine.
People are going to judge you no matter what you do. You might as well be hated for being good, than liked for being bad. Don’t let the bad forces win. There are good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. Stand up for what you believe in. This is where the freedom lies. Faith in God to carry you through.
I don’t want this to ever be seen as anything but my story. Don’t say this specific thing caused me to be this and that. I am what I am. An all powerful creator created me for a reason. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Again… people are gonna judge you and hate you (yes, it’s extreme, but it’s true) no matter what you do. So you might as well just be yourself.
Anything in this life can change in a literal heartbeat. I KNOW. Why spend it worrying about what’s going to happen next, when, in each moment There are a billion different possibilities of opportunity. Every second on earth, a persons life changes. Life, death, birth, sickness… whatever it is, each moment on earth, someone’s life is changed. And it’s all based on the moment before it, but does not predict a second after it, because it’s constantly changing. Wild isn’t it, all the possibilities on this planet, and they have somehow relied on each other to happen.. but somehow, at the same time, have no impact on each other… how can you tell me THAT doesn’t explain a God… an all powerful being that could change the course of the world in one second, and he does…but he doesn’t at the same time. 🤯 it’s like thinking about infinity… maybe that will help me sleep…
I’m either incredibly insane or incredibly free. I think I’ve already confirmed the high possibility of the first one, so I might as well be the second one too. Haha
#enlightened
I’m always trying to get ahead of myself. I need to just say behind God and stop acting like I run the show. 😂😂 #stayhumble!
A Beautiful Disaster 